Monday, April 30, 2012

Do Some Couples "Miss Their Moment"?

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“Some things are destined to be -- it just takes us a couple of tries
to get there.”
 ~J.R. Ward

I was watching a television show Sunday afternoon in which one of the characters was explaining why her and her ex never got married despite being seemingly perfect for one another. She said that, in essence, they "missed their moment". According to the character, every couple has a specific time frame...a moment where they can either catch fire or fizzle out...a moment in which the stars are aligned. If they miss that window, it's almost impossible for the stars to align the right way again. Such couples have missed their moment.

This was very thought provoking to me, as I am a big believer in fate, destiny, and serendipity. To me, if two people are truly meant to be together, the stars will re-align themselves again and again and again if that's what their destiny has in store. But then again, maybe that's just my idealized vision of love.

What do you think? Do some couples miss their moment? Or can fate overcome that? 

65 comments:

  1. No moment is ever missed if two peopele are destine for eachother!

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  2. Hi Keith! I like your post and question you're pondering. :) I also believe in serendipity when it comes to love. But I've learned that relationships take work and commitment. Love is just the foundation, but a couple needs to "build" on that to make the relationship thrive and grow. So yes, the stars can realign if both people are willing to let love in and let it shine. If not, then you're not meant to be with that person because someone who really loves you wants you to be happy and will do whatever it takes. But it must be mutual and reciprocal. Have a wonderful week, Keith!

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    1. Destiny and fate exist but they take effort...I agree!

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  3. Very thought provoking indeed!

    I always have (and suppose partly still am) a great ‘fate’ believer. I guess the way my life has progressed to date, it almost certainly seem as if everything was meant to be and everyone and everything that has ever happened to me had a reason…

    However knowing how things go in relationships – it’s never that simple and easy as hunky dory happily ever after (is it?) – the amount of ups and downs… the number of compromises… and hard work…I wonder how many times we (me and Peter) have ‘fizzled out’ and fizzled back in our relationship in our time…? And it often makes me wonder whether it indeed is our ‘chemistry’ or ‘fate’ … or the fact that we both want to very much protect what we have… and so perhaps make an extra effort…

    AND – I could go on… would it be a fate for so many pretty young girls (that I know!) not being able to find ‘the match’ – or would this simply be due to sex imbalance??

    Oh dear… I have so much popping up in my mind on this topic all of a sudden!

    :) something to ponder on, right? :)

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    1. Well I think that some people try to hard to find their soul mate rather than letting themselves find "each other" if that makes sense.

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  4. If it is meant to be, it will be.
    You may just have to wait.

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  5. hahahaha Well... it seems I had one of those moments yesterday. There's a guy I had been talking to on a dating site for a bit. For one reason or another we stopped talking. I then deleted my account. He really had no way of getting in touch with me, aside from him living in the same town and knowing where I go to church. He goes to a different church in town. We'd not had contact since about the beginning of February. He was at my church yesterday. I've not been to church in a couple of weeks. At the end of the service I see this guy, recognized him as being a new face, and a cute face... I started walking out of the sanctuary to get my daughter and he walks up beside me and asks if I remember him. I didn't, mostly because I wasn't expecting to see him. It was his first time at that church and he came hoping to see me because he saw me at the gas station a couple weeks ago! He is probably better suited for me than the guy I'm currently seeing in Ohio, which makes me want to cry and throw things. lol What made it worse was while we were talking in church, people I know kept coming up and saying hi to him and telling me how great a guy he is. There's more to it, but he's wanting me to go see Riverdance on Friday because he already has tickets and needs someone to go with him. I told him I'm dating someone and he says we can go as friends. It's messing with my head! Is this "fate" stepping in and giving us another chance? He said he wants one... Aggg! Sorry for writing a book, but I was just checking my blogs and saw this and started laughing. lol :)

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    1. Sounds as if you have yourself in a bit of a predicament Casey...might make a good blog topic :-)

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  6. Keith, I don't think there's one moment that, if missed, makes the relationship impossible. I think a relationship needs love and a lot of work and commitment to be there even when it seems to have fizzled out. I wonder if the character on TV had married the guy during "the missed moment," if it would have lasted (hypothetical wondering, because it's a fictional couple). Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

    I met my husband and got married late--I was 40 when we got married. I'm glad I didn't marry anyone else before him! :-)

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  7. Good question... it's actually one I think about more than I'd like to admit.

    I think it is possible for people to miss their 'moment' because one or both where not ready to open their heart to the other or willing to compromise. People say things like 'oh the timing isn't right.' But that leads to the question will the timing EVER be right? Who knows.

    I like to believe that if it's meant to be it will be so... However, I think to some extent we are in charge of our fate as our decisions/actions determine the outcome. (I really like the idea of free will). The Greek hero of Odysseus comes to mind as he fought to change his fate to get back home to his beloved wife.

    If fate is in the way of letting us be with our beloved we can change the circumstances, but that usually means we have to sacrifice or give up something else (our job, or location, etc) and that can take a lot of effort. Sacrificing something usually works best when both people are willing to give up something to be together (compromising), which unfortunately is not always the case. So I guess if both people are not willing to compromise it's not meant to be and a couple will have 'missed their moment'.

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    1. I like the idea of free will as well...yet I believe in fate and destiny. How does one reconcile that contradiction? And is it really even a contradiction at all?

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  8. Yes, I get if its meant to be it will be but what about the "lasting" and "forever" bit. Does that exist? You might be perfect for each other today but what about tomorrow? There are so many times when with time, so much changes and you realize that the same person doesn't fit in your life anymore. And that's a blow..

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    1. I think if it's "right" that it does last forever.

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  10. I don't believe in "missing moments." I also believe in fate.

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    1. I am not sure if I believe in missing moments either...but it's an interesting debate.

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    1. Zena: GREAT points all around! I do agree with you that soul mates will have more than just one "moment"...more than just one moment in time in which the stars are aligned. I think that's the very definition of soul mates.

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  12. Hm. Good question! I just believe if you are meant to be, you are meant to be. The stars are always aligned. I don't think you can "miss your moment" with a soul mate. Love that you make me think!

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    1. Maybe sometimes it really is that simple...if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

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  13. I'm a bit on the fence about this. I believe in Fate, that if something's meant to be it will more than likely happen. But then again sometimes we choose our destiny, like in this instance the character and her partner "missed their moment" to marry. Or did they?

    But then again, do people really need to get married? Marriage doesn't make two people soul mates - they either are or they aren't. Fate or destiny is a natural thing, like the human mind and soul, whereas marriage is dare I say 'artificial', something that may have been around since about 1250CE, but is still a man-made institution. So surely there is no such thing as a "missed moment", not spiritually at least.

    I dunno! That's what I think anyway.

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    1. See I have thought of that as well...do we play a hand in our "destiny"...and if we do, is it really destiny to begin with?

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  14. I too believe if it is meant to be, then it will happen when both people are spiritually & emotionally ready.

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  15. OE,

    I believe that there is truly someone for everyone and that there is a moment of recognition which may well also be that 'magic moment.' I think that the right time will unveil itself, if that love and companionship is meant to be.
    I have been married for almost thirty-three years:)

    Best Wishes and thank you for your thoughtful comments at my blogs.
    Eileen

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    1. I believe that it's a moment when we just "know", if that makes sense. Thank you Eileen :-)

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  16. I love this post. And I too believe in destiny as far as love goes. If two people are "meant to be" then it will be. One cannot be ready without the other, but if it is "meant to be" they will reach that point together.

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    1. Well said Katie...you're right - one cannot be ready without the other.

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  17. I'm not a big believer in fate or anything, only chemistry and a willingness to reach out to one another and put in the effort to make a relationship work and grow. I don't think that there's only one person out there for you, that just doesn't make sense to me. There are probably hundreds of people on the planet who you could theoretically meet and have a spark with. I do agree that it's all about timing, though, and where each person is in their respective life.

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    1. Yes timing is certainly a huge part of it I definitely agree. I do think we have soul mates, but I agree with you in regards to there being more than one person for us out there.

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  18. Thanks for the topic.

    I don't think a wonderful relationship is a matter of finding the right one. It's a matter of my being the right one, becoming the person I want to be. I try to be the type of person I would like to have as a friend: kind, reasonable, patient, gracious, have a sense of humor, spiritual, enjoys nature, etc. I find we are met by the traits we show: like calls to like.

    I approach relationships out of my wholeness, not from being needy or lonely. No one I date would solve my loneliness, if this were a problem. This would be something I’d have to work on. I’d use the support of the healthy relationships I already have. I don’t place my hopes in someone I barely know----a woman I just started dating.

    Even if the stars were to align and I met the person for me, it won't be successful, if my character---or hers---is flawed, where we have areas needing much improvement.

    I've learned to work on keeping my side of the street clean. So, when the right opportunity comes along, I'll be ready. :) Along with this, I need character discernment.

    The initial months with someone do not reveal who they truly are. Early on in a relationship, the other person is on their best behavior. It takes time understanding a person's values and discovering if they are congruent with mine.

    Things of value, including relationships, don't happen overnight. That may be a pretty dream, but it doesn't smack with reality.

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    1. Great points as always Pablo. I think your point about how timing may be irrelevant if the individual's character is flawed is something to be considered. I hadn't thought of it that way before.

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  19. I often wonder about this. I have a strong feeling that certain things in my life, including my current relationship, were meant to be, but then maybe that's only in hindsight, i.e. I'm constructing a narrative that fits this belief. I don't think there's a fixed plan for our life but that we are able to steer it to some extent; at the same time I trust that "everything is unfolding as it should"... so a bit of both, and they're not necessarily mutually exclusive...

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    1. You identified a paradox...are things meant meant to be or do we construct a narrative that fits this belief? Interesting debate!

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  20. I believe in that moment, but i also believe in fate/destiny. To me if a couple misses their moment, they're not meant to be together.. That was kind of my inspiration in my poem you read the other day "Moment's gone"..
    Great post once again my friend

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  21. Ummm . . . yes and no. I truly believe that if two people love each other and want to be together, it will happen. Of course, on the other hand, if you take advantage of a "good moment," it may pass you by. In my estimation, it's a combination of fate with motivated action on the part of the person(s) involved in the situation. Does that even make any sense? :)

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    1. Yes it makes perfect sense :-) I do think it's probably a combination of both, as fate does not do al the work...we have to put in the effort as well!

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  22. I know a man who has twice met the perfect woman. I don't even think he would disagree that they were ideal.

    The first was a first love. Not a high school romance first love but that first long term, deeply committed, relationship where they could both see a marriage in their future, complete with grandchildren.

    Unfortunately, they were both young enough to still think that drama = passion. The relationship was chaotic at times and they broke up, got back together, broke up again, got back together again, and broke up a third and final time.

    During one of his break-ups he met another girl who was perfect but the timing was just bad and she was a rebound. I'd like to believe that he and she could find their way to one another someday but she is in a committed relationship now and it would be selfish to hope that her current relationship would be unhappy enough to have the two of them get back together again.

    I am too pragmatic, I think. I don't believe in "the one" and I know from personal experience and long observation that relationships take a lot of work. Long term commitments are not about being in love and staying in love but about falling in and out of love over and over again. I've also noticed that any time someone says they've met their soul-mate and "it was meant to be" that the speaker ends up having their hearts not merely broken but utterly shattered. I think that those who believe in such things forget that often the reason a soul mate enters your life is to teach painful lessons ad not merely create some pretty-perfect union. Yes, there are those soul mates that will bring you that fulfillment but, more often than not, a soul mate is here to reflect a previous life's experience and, if you were the one who created pain, then woe unto you if your soul mate should find you out in this lifetime.

    But then, I don't believe in soul mates so I am not speaking from my own belief so much as I am from what I've observed in those who do believe. I've never seen grief cut as completely as when someone contextualized the relationship as a soul-mate one.

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    1. Wow...powerful thoughts indeed Satia. I can understand your point about soul mates and causing pain...but to me, the scenario you describe would not truly be a soul mate in the way that we normally think of one. But then again I tend to idealize those things :-)

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    2. Using basic mathematics, in this lifetime you have at least two soul mates in your life: your parents. Even if your father died before your birth and/or your mother died in birth, you have two soul mates. Now, if you have siblings, add one soul mate for each sibling. Depending upon how close you are with your grandparents, aunts, uncles, add one for each.

      That's just at your birth. Add every "best friend" you've ever had. Add every person that ever touched your heart and/or broke it. A heart can be touched deeply even by a brief encounter, that immediate connection we sometimes make with a perfect stranger. Also add in anyone who came into your life on a superficial level only to return and become integral.

      Not done yet. Add anyone who taught you above and beyond the norm. That high school teacher who made a subject light up or the grammar school teacher who held your hand as you worked to understand something only to experience an epiphany. Obviously, also add spiritual teachers.

      See what I mean? These are all soul mates on different levels. When one studies Buddhism or Hinduism, this becomes all the more obvious. Even Thich Nhat Hanh talks about meditating on a parent, typically your mother, and imagine her as an infant, helpless, remembering that at one time you may yourself have been her mother or father, etc.

      The "ideal" you describe is more likely the concept of a twin flame but this is a problematic concept in more than one way. First, not all people who teach about reincarnation and soul mates believe in a twin flame. (In other words, there is no "one right person" out there for you but all people are here to either teach you or for you to learn from, depending on your individual purposes in this lifetime.)

      However, for those who do believe in a twin flame, the idea is that you and this other person met in a previous lifetime but neither of you were spiritually ready for full union. They are the other part of your very soul and so the two of you will continue to seek one another through millennia, each lifetime spent refining one another's soul until you are both ready. Until you have both worked through all of your negative karma, there is no ultimate union. Rather, there is pain, often tremendous pain, more than any other person can bring. Especially if the previous life's relationship was painful but you were the giver, not the recipient. Twin flames are karmically connected for karmic reasons and each lifetime carries its lessons so your twin flame is especially powerful in purifying and cleansing. And not every incarnation assumes that you and your twin flame will be united or even encounter one another. The karma you each gather separately will then be carried into the next time you are together, in whatever manifestation it may be.

      I recommend this novel:
      http://amzn.to/KsDKU8

      It has a cd with some lovely music that complements the story which is occasionally told in images. I think you will love it.

      I hope you find it at least amusing that for someone who doesn't believe I have studied so very much about the subject. I can't tell you which came first--my desire to study may have led to my disbelief or my skepticism may have driven me to learn more before being dismissive. Either way, and as is often true when Eastern esoteric teachings are carried over into Western society, the easiest explanations are often the quickest to be disseminated and the more uncomfortable (or harder truths, if you will) are never brought into the light of day with digging deeply.

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    3. I will definitely check out the link to the novel. It's apparent that you have researched this a great deal. It's true that there are several different types of "soul mates". Perhaps I should not have limited it to the romantic type. For me, when I think of a soul mate, I think of a kindred spirit...someone that we long to be "one" with in a sense. I would love to further explore some of the karmic connections that you describe.

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  23. I don't think that there are couples who simply don't recognize that they are meant for each other. Sometimes it only seems to be the perfect match, but it's not. Maybe then their friends try to convince them but they don't believe anyway. I guess, like in the TV show Touch, if two people are supposed to meet, they will. The connection will never break. If they are really meant for each other, they will come together sooner or later. I don't think that there is a special timeframe for that and only one chance. I guess there are always more chances in life, no matter what it is.

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    1. Well said Sanny...I think that fate will play a role in making sure that the stars align again for those who are meant to be together.

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  24. Hey Keith - I haven't had time to really read or respond to this, but will do so soon! In the meantime, I wanted to let you know that I tagged you with the Versatile Blogger award today. No pressure to accept at all, but wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your thought-provoking posts every day.

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    1. Why thank you so very much! I'm honored and I'll check it out shortly :-)

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  25. As a ex-college student Psychology I can't agree on 'missing a moment by faith' although I do strongly believe in God. I believe it's up to the people, if everything was so utterly perfect, why the hell didn't they get married? Bottom-line, something was clearly terribly wrong.

    It depends on those two individuals matching, and truely being committed to the relationship. Every relationship, even the best ones, have up's and downs. Those that last are the ones that choose to keep on loving each other and not let the past take the upper hand. If they stop doing that, might even be sub-consciously, then the relationship is dead and they might not even know it yet.

    I'm 22, living together with my girlfriend for 3 years now, trust me, it's much harder to stay together at such an age. Since all people around us, from a simular age, are going out and are still studying, we both already started our career. On top of that, we're far from easy persons to live with, the both of us, but love binds us and that's all we need.

    P.S. Keith my friend, you made me smile a lot! My dad isn't the artist of the painting, he's just an art-collector and he gave me one of the many pieces of his collection :D.

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    1. I like your point about those that last being the ones who do not let the past take the upper hand. I do believe that's very important as well. :-) my mistake about the painting - I misread what you wrote in your blog post, I thought your dad had painted it haha!

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  26. Wow, I had never even thought about this before. Despite being a christian, I'm a pretty big believer in astrology. My grandma taught me to be.

    I definitely think that there is a moment, and you just need to always follow your heart! With me, I feel like my brain is always trying to talk over what my heart is saying. So following my heart is something that I've been trying to do lately. I am with you though on the fact that the moment can be recreated! If two people are meant to be, then love will find a way :)

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    1. You can never go wrong with following your heart :-)

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  27. ...I think it's very possible for couples to "miss their moment". As a matter of fact, I still believe that a former beau of mine could have been "the one" if we hadn't missed ours.

    What I believe even more than this, however, is that missed moments can lead to better outcome. I think there's a reason for everything and, if something is meant to be, it will always find a way.

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    1. Yes sometimes "missed moments" are "missed" for a reason...

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  28. Serindipity... I absolutely love that word. There's a wonderful movie entitled that, and it's a great example of how things always work out if they are meant to be.

    And I know I'm young, but I've had several relationships that have ended without rhyme or reason. (hey who am I kidding... that's most of them!) But sometimes there seems to be a window of time where maybe there isn't another relationship to be found, but more so just a friendship. And sometimes, a friendship is more valuable than anything else.

    Crazyrandomhappenstances happen all the time and I think that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. There's nothing to worry about as long as one lives his or her life. If they sit back and expect things to be done without any give in return for the take... they're crazy.

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    1. Yes 'Serendipity' is actually one of my all-time favorite movies. You're also right in saying that destiny requires effort to fulfill...true words my friend.

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  29. I am not much of a believer in mystical things. But there is one thing that I absolutely positively believe. If you are meant to be with someone then those moments just keep getting in your way until you take the plunge.
    My husband and I grew up half a world apart. Yet we have been able to confirm that our paths crossed twice before, on the third occasion, we actually met.

    Moment 1: we were in the same town but we were only 12 and 13.

    Moment 2: We were in the same room, two feet apart but he was there with his wife.

    Moment 3: we met in Surabaya, thousands of miles from either of our homes, and it was about as instant as love can get. 23 years later, we are still getting caught kissing in public.

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  30. Honestly I have always thought that if people are perfect for each other, if they are truly meant to be, then there is no moment. They are just destined and at one point they will truly see that. That doesn't mean they have to get married, maybe just be together. Of course that is just the opinion of a helpless romantic!

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    1. Nothing wrong whatsoever with being a helpless or hopeless romantic!

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  31. I agree with you. If something is meant to be, it will be, no matter what. Sometimes, without even knowing it, you blow opportunities so that when the right one comes along you really know how to seize it.

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    1. Yes I agree...it's funny how the subconscious works eh?

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